Journey 3.0

16 December 2015
Journey 3.0

At times like this, I wonder what we mean to each other. Friends? Close friends? Best friends? I don't know. I feel like how I view us is different from how you view us.

Sometimes, I think you know. But sometimes, I think you don't. This is so ambigious that it's killing me on the inside. Which brings me to the next question: Why? Why do I care so much about how you view us?

My only conclusion is that walks are supposed to be nice but it is not really. I don't want to think about anything but I always end up thinking about that one thing. Just one. I do feel more relaxed and all but then, I will realise that things are still the same and I will start thinking about it again :((

I am sad. So sad. So damn sad. 

I don't know. What was supposed to be the plan to 'cut all ties and go with the flow', kinda backfired. Or maybe i just gave up. Haha. I think I did. Or maybe I chose to delude myself to think that things are different or will be different. 

Delusional.

Yet Again

12 December 2015
Yet Again

Can't all of you see that I am trying over here? But no matter what I do, I can only see the negatives. Honestly speaking, do any of you try? Because obviously, you don't get things done. Not now, not ever. Do you even try, as in make an effort or at least an attempt?

Seriously. I look like I am okay but I am not okay with this. Am I such a push-over? Don't even bring friendships into this because from my point of view, this ain't how you treat your friends. Or anyone. At all.

Trying to look at the more postive side? I tried okay. And others call me gullible and naive because of that. I am not gullible or naive. I know. I know what the situation is like so DON'T YOU DARE MESS WITH ME.

If only I don't care about people's opinions about me. I would have blown up a long time ago and set things straight. But being the "gullible" and "naive" person I am, I am going to let this pass. I am going to let you off. I am going to let myself suffer. Yet again.

Yourself

8 December 2015
Yourself

Your true self exposed

Broken, yet beautiful

 You are perfection

 

Maybe... Just maybe, I am in love with you.


 

Tainted

7 December 2015
Tainted

At times like this, I question...

Was it men who tainted this world?

Or was it the world who tainted men?

Whatever It Takes (Lifehouse)

22 October 2015
Whatever It Takes (Lifehouse)

So... Honestly, I did not see this coming. We were good. And, shits decided to happen. Not too sure whether it is a good thing that this happened. What was an impulse (maybe?) decision to split up ruined our friendship. Not just mine or yours alone, but everyone's. I'm sorry.

Will you even forgive me if I say sorry? Maybe I don't deserve it. The things I said, they were harsh. Probably pushed a sensitive button. Back then, it seemes reasonable. But, now... Maybe not. Seeing how the memories from the past 6 months don't seem to matter much to you anymore. It did to me. It does.

A strangled smile fell from your face
What kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes

cr: http://www.metrolyrics.com/whatever-it-takes-lyrics-lifehouse.html

Chance

17 October 2015

Chance

I wish I could turn back time and unmeet some people. Or maybe just you. I will sacrifice the good times that we had just to wipe you from my memories now. What we had was honestly gold. I understand what you said but I just... Cannot handle the pain that comes with it. It was my bad. That I let my personal feelings be involved in this relationship. But it was just that piece of hope that I was holding on to, you know? That maybe, someday... I do not know.. But nope. You just had to. 

It just seemed like you did not trust me enough. There need to be trust in every relationship right? Well, let us just ignore the fact that I did not manage to keep my feelings in check. And now, I don’t think I can ever face you without being reminded of that damned line you said.

I guess I do feel alone. That day when Eileen mentioned that she might be migrating and soon, it hit me very hard. I grew so attached to her that I felt a sense of emptiness after hearing that. And if. If. If she indeed migrate, that would leave you as the only one left who I feel I can rely on. And just then, this happened. I feel like there was nothing that I can do. I feel so broken and I do not think I can fix myself. I feel that I let you in so far into my life that I just cannot let you go. You both were like my strongest pillars of support. And I may just lose both of you.

Some stories (and relationships) do not have a happy ending, I guess. I feel so emotionally drained right now.

If I really treasure this friendship, then I have no choice do I? Either way, I am the losing party. Part of me wants to make it obvious that you hurt me so that you will be hurt too. But what will happen next? There is technically no reason for me to be hurt... Unless, I have personal feelings for you. And if you do know, what will we be like then? Nothing good will come out of it.

So, I have no choice. With no strings attached, I will cut everything nicely. Neatly pack all my personal feelings into a chest, lock it and throw the keys away. Pretend that this never happened. Pretend that nothing special existed between us (from my point of view only, sadly). Pretend that I am fine. I will be fine. I have to be. I have to be that strong girl who keeps everything in and smiles at everything and everyone. That strong girl who will smile to hide her pain and hurt. The strong girl who suffers in silence, yet again. 

I liked you. Maybe, I do like you still. It does not matter anymore right? Sometimes, it is better not to hope. Because that hope may be the reason you break into pieces. Pieces that may be mended. But you know what is the worse part? Those visible cracks that run through my 'mended' self. The cracks will never be gone. The hurt will never be gone. I will never be the same person again.

Fear (Song Mino ft. TaeYang)

10 September 2015

Fear (Song Mino ft. TaeYang)

Have been feeling very down nowadays... Mainly thinking about what I truly want to achieve from life in general. Honestly, I want to leave an impressive story behind. This song came to mind so I just thought I had to pen down something to remind me of my empty heart right now...

When I turned around
I saw that I came farther than I thought
I was alone
and I suddenly got afraid
When I saw myself
I didn’t know I was exhausted
I was lonely
and I suddenly got afraid

You’re doing a good job
When I get confused, I tell myself that and just go
Be yourself, know yourself
I practiced about several thousand times
Being in despair once or twice is child’s play now
Opportunities are always ways to get up
from moments of crisis, you know

I used to say this like a habit
That I always believe in myself
That I have no worthy opponent
But enemy was in my mirror
Maybe I lost my reasoning in this continued fight
I killed myself
 
I’m too young and soft to become an adult
I still don’t know how
It hurts too much
to just crash into things
Now I know, it’s too late
to foolishly whip
There are still too many unhealed wounds

When I didn’t wanna see anything
The reason I forced my eyes to open wide
Is because I was just scared
It’s because I was suddenly scared
When I didn’t wanna say anything
The reason I raised my voice
There is no other reason
It’s because I’m afraid, I’m afraid

I am afraid. I thought I figured out how to conquer that mentality but it is really hard to overcome. Nonetheless, there is nothing that I can do to stop from being stained by this world. For better days, I promise to "stop crying and take responsibility once more".

cr. http://colorcodedlyrics.com/2015/08/song-mino-songminho-fear-geob-feat-taeyang

Eileen

3 October 2015
Eileen

This attachment that is forming… I know it’s too fast. But I am genuinely thankful for your presence. You don’t know how much this means to me. We clicked so well and so fast. We have so much in common. We opened up and found comfort in each other’s presence. Even though it has only been about 6 months, I trust you with my inner thoughts and feelings that I never knew I would talk about, ever in my entire life. 

I thought I was paranoid, being all suspicious  about other people and not wanting to get too emotionally attached to them. After hanging out with you and all, I realised. It's not just me. In fact, it's not me. It's just... A phase that everyone sort of goes through in life. Maybe we got it harder than the rest, but nonetheless, we sort of got over it? I think we did. 

I just want you to know that I am really thankful for what you have done for me. It is pretty weird, I know. Partly because no one knows about this blog and I don't think you will find out about this (even if you do) anytime soon. But, that is what makes it more genuine right? This is not about wanting you to know that I wrote a post dedicated to you. This is more about wanting to write a post dedicated to you. Because... you make me feel like I'm okay. Like I'm normal. Like I'm human...

Most importantly, happy 17th birthday to you! Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you all the best for your future. I hope for the best for you because I know that who you are right now is not who you were. Things happened. Bad things happened. You changed. I can see and feel hints of it. But it's okay. You will be fine. You are fine.

Little One

22 September 2015
Little One

The little one came along a few days before. My little baby prince. I'm going to protect you from this harsh world.

I feel like I have been going through a severe emotional turmoil since he came along. Looking at him, the feeling of love and affection for him swell up in my heart so suddenly. Without realising it, I started hoping that the same miracle will happen to me too. That I will get my own little baby prince.

What is this awkward new feeling? I don't really know. I mean, I know that I don't really get emotionally attached to people. Especially, this fast. So, why I am feeling so much emotions just looking at the little one?

I can't. I know I shouldn't. Getting emotionally attached to people will always backfire you. No matter what it seems like in the beginning. The end is all that matters right? And the end is always the same: they will hurt you. Real bad. And when that happens, you always wish that you never gave them the chance to hurt you in the first place. 

Is the hurt worth it? No, I don't think so. And until someone proves me wrong, this will be my belief.

Journey 2.0

17 September 2015
Journey 2.0

Pre-adventure
Another journey. At least this time, it's not going to be for myself only. Main objective: to go deep down with the others. At the same time, I'm hoping that I can talk things out (slightly) and sort out my feelings. Hopefully, this will be more productive than the previous journey. One can only hope... Right?

Post-adventure
Well, that was pretty satisfying. In a way. There were obvious signs that we got a lot closer during the whole trip. I genuinely hope that this kind of friendships can last, especially because it seems that most of us truly need real companions.

Sorting out my feelings? That got to be the greatest bullshit ever. I pretty much got more confused. On the other hand, at least the interaction was not bad. Honestly though, I don't really know if that's a good thing or not. But, oh wells. Like how I always try to reassure myself (and fail horribly), let's just go with the flow alright? Just go with the flow.

One thing is for sure though. I think the line was pretty much made more obvious. Let's just assume that there is no romantic feelings whatsoever from his part. Then, I will just have to suck it all up right? Cos that's the way it roll.

BUT. That is even if I have romantic feelings towards him in the first place. Am I right? Of course, I'm right. So. Now... Do I have those feelings for him or not? Oh, God. I can't even figure myself out. What am I suppose to do right now...

Journey

15 September 2015
Journey

Pre-adventure
With nothing that reminds me of my identity, I shall embark on my half-day backpacking trip around... Well, Singapore, in general. Doesn't sound much but I hope that I can clear my messed-up mind. Maybe have some kind of deep conversations with my newly-found friend too while I 'm at it.

Note-to-self: Have fun no matter where you end up at.

Post-adventure 
Sort-of impromptu backpacking trip done right, alright. Although we did some weird things (eg. played the arcade claw-machine ), at least there is something that will remind me of my times as a troubled youth. Not sure if I would want to remember but I'm hoping that this will be a phase in life that I will proudly look back upon in the future. 

Not to mention, we had pretty interesting conversations regarding the responsibilities and stereotypes of a child. Needless to say, I feel like I gained a better insight on why my siblings act pretty angsty sometimes. This newly found feelings of extreme gratefulness for them is too foreign to me though. How long will this feelings last?

Most importantly, I managed to tidy up my messed-up mind. At least, by a bit? Why am I so affected anyways? Not too sure. But one thing IS for sure. The distinct line that they seemed to have drawn between us hurt me bad. Very bad. Was it me? Maybe it was too much to ask for. I'm not too sure. I just know that I'll probably be hurt if I try again. Maybe I should just stop trying... Why am I even so hung up on this? Why am I like this?