Chance

17 October 2015

Chance

I wish I could turn back time and unmeet some people. Or maybe just you. I will sacrifice the good times that we had just to wipe you from my memories now. What we had was honestly gold. I understand what you said but I just... Cannot handle the pain that comes with it. It was my bad. That I let my personal feelings be involved in this relationship. But it was just that piece of hope that I was holding on to, you know? That maybe, someday... I do not know.. But nope. You just had to. 

It just seemed like you did not trust me enough. There need to be trust in every relationship right? Well, let us just ignore the fact that I did not manage to keep my feelings in check. And now, I don’t think I can ever face you without being reminded of that damned line you said.

I guess I do feel alone. That day when Eileen mentioned that she might be migrating and soon, it hit me very hard. I grew so attached to her that I felt a sense of emptiness after hearing that. And if. If. If she indeed migrate, that would leave you as the only one left who I feel I can rely on. And just then, this happened. I feel like there was nothing that I can do. I feel so broken and I do not think I can fix myself. I feel that I let you in so far into my life that I just cannot let you go. You both were like my strongest pillars of support. And I may just lose both of you.

Some stories (and relationships) do not have a happy ending, I guess. I feel so emotionally drained right now.

If I really treasure this friendship, then I have no choice do I? Either way, I am the losing party. Part of me wants to make it obvious that you hurt me so that you will be hurt too. But what will happen next? There is technically no reason for me to be hurt... Unless, I have personal feelings for you. And if you do know, what will we be like then? Nothing good will come out of it.

So, I have no choice. With no strings attached, I will cut everything nicely. Neatly pack all my personal feelings into a chest, lock it and throw the keys away. Pretend that this never happened. Pretend that nothing special existed between us (from my point of view only, sadly). Pretend that I am fine. I will be fine. I have to be. I have to be that strong girl who keeps everything in and smiles at everything and everyone. That strong girl who will smile to hide her pain and hurt. The strong girl who suffers in silence, yet again. 

I liked you. Maybe, I do like you still. It does not matter anymore right? Sometimes, it is better not to hope. Because that hope may be the reason you break into pieces. Pieces that may be mended. But you know what is the worse part? Those visible cracks that run through my 'mended' self. The cracks will never be gone. The hurt will never be gone. I will never be the same person again.