Chance

17 October 2015

Chance

I wish I could turn back time and unmeet some people. Or maybe just you. I will sacrifice the good times that we had just to wipe you from my memories now. What we had was honestly gold. I understand what you said but I just... Cannot handle the pain that comes with it. It was my bad. That I let my personal feelings be involved in this relationship. But it was just that piece of hope that I was holding on to, you know? That maybe, someday... I do not know.. But nope. You just had to. 

It just seemed like you did not trust me enough. There need to be trust in every relationship right? Well, let us just ignore the fact that I did not manage to keep my feelings in check. And now, I don’t think I can ever face you without being reminded of that damned line you said.

I guess I do feel alone. That day when Eileen mentioned that she might be migrating and soon, it hit me very hard. I grew so attached to her that I felt a sense of emptiness after hearing that. And if. If. If she indeed migrate, that would leave you as the only one left who I feel I can rely on. And just then, this happened. I feel like there was nothing that I can do. I feel so broken and I do not think I can fix myself. I feel that I let you in so far into my life that I just cannot let you go. You both were like my strongest pillars of support. And I may just lose both of you.

Some stories (and relationships) do not have a happy ending, I guess. I feel so emotionally drained right now.

If I really treasure this friendship, then I have no choice do I? Either way, I am the losing party. Part of me wants to make it obvious that you hurt me so that you will be hurt too. But what will happen next? There is technically no reason for me to be hurt... Unless, I have personal feelings for you. And if you do know, what will we be like then? Nothing good will come out of it.

So, I have no choice. With no strings attached, I will cut everything nicely. Neatly pack all my personal feelings into a chest, lock it and throw the keys away. Pretend that this never happened. Pretend that nothing special existed between us (from my point of view only, sadly). Pretend that I am fine. I will be fine. I have to be. I have to be that strong girl who keeps everything in and smiles at everything and everyone. That strong girl who will smile to hide her pain and hurt. The strong girl who suffers in silence, yet again. 

I liked you. Maybe, I do like you still. It does not matter anymore right? Sometimes, it is better not to hope. Because that hope may be the reason you break into pieces. Pieces that may be mended. But you know what is the worse part? Those visible cracks that run through my 'mended' self. The cracks will never be gone. The hurt will never be gone. I will never be the same person again.

Fear (Song Mino ft. TaeYang)

10 September 2015

Fear (Song Mino ft. TaeYang)

Have been feeling very down nowadays... Mainly thinking about what I truly want to achieve from life in general. Honestly, I want to leave an impressive story behind. This song came to mind so I just thought I had to pen down something to remind me of my empty heart right now...

When I turned around
I saw that I came farther than I thought
I was alone
and I suddenly got afraid
When I saw myself
I didn’t know I was exhausted
I was lonely
and I suddenly got afraid

You’re doing a good job
When I get confused, I tell myself that and just go
Be yourself, know yourself
I practiced about several thousand times
Being in despair once or twice is child’s play now
Opportunities are always ways to get up
from moments of crisis, you know

I used to say this like a habit
That I always believe in myself
That I have no worthy opponent
But enemy was in my mirror
Maybe I lost my reasoning in this continued fight
I killed myself
 
I’m too young and soft to become an adult
I still don’t know how
It hurts too much
to just crash into things
Now I know, it’s too late
to foolishly whip
There are still too many unhealed wounds

When I didn’t wanna see anything
The reason I forced my eyes to open wide
Is because I was just scared
It’s because I was suddenly scared
When I didn’t wanna say anything
The reason I raised my voice
There is no other reason
It’s because I’m afraid, I’m afraid

I am afraid. I thought I figured out how to conquer that mentality but it is really hard to overcome. Nonetheless, there is nothing that I can do to stop from being stained by this world. For better days, I promise to "stop crying and take responsibility once more".

cr. http://colorcodedlyrics.com/2015/08/song-mino-songminho-fear-geob-feat-taeyang

Eileen

3 October 2015
Eileen

This attachment that is forming… I know it’s too fast. But I am genuinely thankful for your presence. You don’t know how much this means to me. We clicked so well and so fast. We have so much in common. We opened up and found comfort in each other’s presence. Even though it has only been about 6 months, I trust you with my inner thoughts and feelings that I never knew I would talk about, ever in my entire life. 

I thought I was paranoid, being all suspicious  about other people and not wanting to get too emotionally attached to them. After hanging out with you and all, I realised. It's not just me. In fact, it's not me. It's just... A phase that everyone sort of goes through in life. Maybe we got it harder than the rest, but nonetheless, we sort of got over it? I think we did. 

I just want you to know that I am really thankful for what you have done for me. It is pretty weird, I know. Partly because no one knows about this blog and I don't think you will find out about this (even if you do) anytime soon. But, that is what makes it more genuine right? This is not about wanting you to know that I wrote a post dedicated to you. This is more about wanting to write a post dedicated to you. Because... you make me feel like I'm okay. Like I'm normal. Like I'm human...

Most importantly, happy 17th birthday to you! Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you all the best for your future. I hope for the best for you because I know that who you are right now is not who you were. Things happened. Bad things happened. You changed. I can see and feel hints of it. But it's okay. You will be fine. You are fine.