2016

31 December 2016
2016

As 2016 comes to an end, it's time to look back and reflect on how much I have grown the past year. Time past by oh so fast and want to remind myself that I will find no reason to look back into the past when there are so much more to look forward to in the present and future! :)

If I were to think about what made me feel really good in 2016, I would say self-discovery. Ignorance towards my true self, or more like resistance, have been something I lived with for a long time. Self-discovery can mean so many things, from finding my reason to live and revealing whatever and whoever shaped me to who I am now. It is all about realizing and coming to terms with my beliefs and values and living by them. No doubt, this journey that I have embarked on with much anticipation took on a huge toll on me. So much fear, confusion, reluctance, doubt. The realizations that followed were what made those moments worth it. The changes I made to my life so that I love myself for who I am and get what I deserve will be something I will be very grateful for til the moment I die. My journey since then has seen me cut people out of my life. I never realized how draining and painful one-sided relationships could be. The changes that I have made changed my outlook of my life and I am now more confident to start to follow my true passion and purpose because I am not defined by others. Instead, I started to look within for answers. Pretty hard to do, because I have to dig all the way downnnnnnn to understand what I really want (and that is how I understood that I do not know myself well). I have had may set backs along the way and am sure that there will be more to come. Nonetheless, this journey has been worth it and I will continue on.

I became more aware of my feelings and am understanding myself better. What I know for sure is that I have been very hard on myself. I have not been truthful with myself about what I want. I have had unrealistic expectations about myself, setting myself up for disappointment. I have been so fixated on becoming someone I am not. Eventually, it became too exhausting for me. No matter where I go or who I went to, it did not help because I felt so victimised by all that has happened. Now that I started working on accepting the facts and acknowledging my feelings, I am not suppressing the feelings I have anymore. When I come to terms with it, there comes a sense of freedom like no other. Not physically nor mentally, but just that feeling of being content with myself. I learnt to be okay with it and not allow it to control me or define who I am. But facing these internal insecurities released so much fear in me. But that fear... I am willing to face. I held myself back in so many ways that I do not want to continue letting it have a strangle hold on my life. I want to feel the freedom within myself.

No doubt, 2016 have been rough, but it made me realised a lot of things and for that, I am more than grateful. It has been a while since I felt so free. No more pain. No more hurt(ing). No more harming. Just me and freedom.

Because I have decided to life my life for myself. I will focus on myself and trust my instincts.

"Some of the hardship we experience is caused by the strain of resisting the truth, Embrace the truth to relieve the pressure."

Breathe

26 December 2016

Breathe

If I live to the best that I can...

Then I will naturally hear that I did well, right?

Let's just keep on living.

Change

22 November 2016
Change

Even after talking about it to many others, it has never truly occurred to me how much this have changed me. I guess, part of me has been well-aware of the changes but I never really felt the need to come to terms with how much I am letting this affect me. Ultimately, I will have to do so now... I shall.

Looking back, I realised that deep down, I have always wanted such a change between us to happen. But it never occured to me that I was the obstacle to the change I wanted to get. It seemed as if I have always rationalized my actions towards you to the situations that we were in, without realizing just how it has all been just ME.

Back then, I did not really know if it was a good choice to make. Even though I thought and KNEW that it was the best option, it hurt so bad that I honestly had no thought of about really making the change. Because really, no matter how much I tell myself, this means so much to me. And yet again, it was just ME.

With that being said, I really hope that you will be a part of the past that I will not hang on for too long. Because it has always been ME in what was supposed to be a two-way bond. And just like what they all say... I dont deserve to be treated this way nor feel this way anymore.  

No.

9 July 2016
No.

And I thought I was okay.

It was just the calm before the storm.

Realization

1 June 2016
Realization

I cannot deny the fact that the journey made me realized a lot of things.

For instance, sometimes, I really need to put myself first before I break. Not for others, but for me. I am still not perfect at separating others' feelings and thoughts from those of my own. So, I am still not perfect at shielding myself from the negativity other people may be radiating. I cannot keep on suddenly change just so that I can be okay. Sometimes, I need to learn how to create a space for myself and ignore others. Hard, but it will be easier. Painful, but it will get better. Because I am important and valuable. Because I have to be my own hero.

Which made me realize that I am pretty much closed up. So much more compared to last semester, last year, the past 18 years of my life. I talked less in "I"s. Talked less about what happened to me. Talked less about my thoughts, feelings, emotions. Why? That I dont think I will can answer now. But I hope I will be able to gain the courage and strength to find that out.

That being said, some realization do hurt. Such as realizing the fact that I am not as good as them, in one way or another. Perhaps I am just being possessive but I cant simply ignore the fact that I get too upset for my own good everytime I notice that happen. It gets so much worse when I notice how different, happier, you are with them. You smile more, you laugh more and you interact more. Knowing that I do not have that ability within me, it hurts. I cant deny the fact that it hurts so much. Too much.

The truth always hurt. All that I can wish for is that this is all for the better.

Journey 4.0: Triggered

22 May 2016
Journey 4.0: Triggered

I never realised that such a thing controlled me. It was only one statement, but I felt so overwhelmed. The statement wasnt even targeted to me, but I broke.

Is it a truly meaningful thing to realise what are my triggers? I will only break more often, way before I reach my breaking point.

I dont even know how much more I can handle. I am nothing, but a mess.

Belief

21 May 2016
Belief

So much emotions and fears that I started to question the purpose of this whole trip. Thought that making this experience a meaningful one will be hard, especially with all that happened.

But my belief stays the same. Because someone told me "You are a girl I see that finds meaning. So if anything happens, ask what you have learnt".

I will not let anything lose their meaning. Nor will I let myself lose my meaning. My smile. My laughter. My happiness.

You

19 May 2016
You

No one usually ask me about how I am feeling or how I am, in general, on a regular basis so this feels very new to me. Plus, it is easier to say "I'm fine". What kind of emotions do people see in me that I can't see?

Talking to people who help me understand myself better really excites me. It is so amazing how someone can help me start thinking about myself and others in more in-depth. Especially that one person who observes and feels. She is a really good person. She is a good friend. Making that effort to undestand her and kinda sync with her energy level was one of the best choices I have ever made. 

Thank you for being you.

Facade

12 May 2016

Facade

Where should I go now? What should I do? What do I want from this?

Strangely, I managed to cope till now. My facade has become a coping mechanism. Perhaps I made this fake facade and hid behind it so that I dont have to talk about myself and all the emotions in me. When I open up, I feel too bare. Too vulnerable. I have no idea how I will bring myself up again if I decide to truly open up and talk about everything.

Am I willing to break the calm for something that could be worse? Is the risk to find peace within myself worse than giving up the so-called "calmness" that is present now? Do I have the courage and strength? I am not sure if I am willing to risk everything to address the issue. Especially since things may get worse than it already is.

I do have some kind of strength and courage. But I do have pain too. And no, I am not a "good" person. "Good" is very subjective.

Eighteen

18 April 2016

Eighteen

Today marks a new chapter for me. As such, I decided to write about this day yearly to remind myself of all the people, those who I have known for long and for a while only, who have touched my heart.

To start things off, I was pleasantly surprised when the whole lot of wolves celebrated this day. Not to mention, the wolf pups too. The strong sense of togetherness that I felt when I was with them was like no other. I am so thankful for you guys. Special shoutout to those who personally wished me and hugged/ high fived etc me! Physical contact is one of my top few favourite language of love so YAY THANKS

Brother Bird. What a love-hate relationship we have. Actually, it's not hate but random irritated moments. Nonetheless, I got to say that you are one of few I can chill with in class. Even though our differences are drastic at times, we are kinda chill about it so we cool. Plus, I LOVE YOUR PRESENT much love 

My angel buddy. You are probably the most precious thing that happened to me in 2016 so far. We only met and you treat me so well. I am genuinely greatful being paured with you and really, thank you so so much for everything that have happened and more to come. Hopefully, we will meet up often even after we get back to our normal lives. Thank you so much for your present! I will use it well and spend a lot heh

((Of course wishes from the family have a special place in my heart. Especially, the little one ))

Today, I am filled with warmth and love and blessings. I am happy for I am yet alive on this day. Thank you Allah for letting me enjoy this day yet again. Amin.

OES

3 April 2016
OES

Self-expression.

One of the important concepts of being a social being that I have yet to achieve.

Others do not know how much I look up to them. They do not know how much I struggle, trying to articulate my thoughts and feelings. I cannot seem to put any depth into my words. My words were taken for granted... I ignored my words. I neglected my thoughts and feelings. I rejected myself.

I am hoping that posting this will keep on reminding me about my goal to work towards self-expression. With high hopes, Operation Eye Storm shall officially commence.

Let's keep on striving! I can do this! I will achieve this!

Strong (Sonna Rele)

2 April 2016

Strong (Sonna Rele)

For you...

Let your smile light up the sky
Keep your spirit soaring high

Trust in your heart and your soul shines forever and ever
Hold fast to kindness, your light shines forever and ever
I believe in you and in me
We are strong

When once upon a time in stories and in rhyme
A moment you can shine and wear your own crown
Be the one that rescues you
Through the clouds you'll see the blue

A bird all alone on the wind can still be strong and sing
Sing.

 

You are strong. Happy 18th, little princess.

cr: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sonnarele/strong.html 

Little Princess

1 April 2016
Little Princess

So many sorries to say.
So many stories to write.
So many storms to survive.

I will say to you.
I will write for you.
I will survive with you.

So please...

Come back, my little princess.

I miss you.

Tomorrow will be yours. Like how it should be.
Tomorrow will be special. Like how it should be.

So please...

Be back for tomorrow, my little princess.

I miss you.

Reincarnation (JL)

9 March 2016
Reincarnation (JL)

With a newly found desire to be not afraid or ashamed of who I was... I... I will start anew.

 I hope to stop the tears, and the pain
Even in bright sunlight that made me shine
I'm gonna start anew while hidden in the quiet shadow

Even now, I can not feel the warmth
Even the way to smile seems long-forgotten
I'm gonna start anew while hidden in the serene shadow

cr: http://thecherrya.blogspot.sg/2015/11/k-lyric-jl-reincarnation-cheo-yong-2.html

Friends

24 February 2016
Friends

"Friends". Such ambiguity compacted into just this one word.

Somehow, I feel like your words about this term hold some truth. Expectations changes and what we used to consider as qualities associated with "friends" then may not be the same today. Probably due to our changing needs. Or simply because humans are complex and largely unpredictable creatures.

At the moment, I crave for soul connnection. This might have been an innate craving but I suppressed it for so long I mistook it as... Non-existent. But now, it's inevitable. I need to connect, to form bonds to the deepest soul level possible, something that will never disapper even when we do. Something that is hard to achieve but worth hoping for...

But working towards such goals involves some sort of risk-taking. Am I really willing to do so? Display of affection is very hard for me. In fact, just the mere thought of possibly becoming dependent on someone else, a perishable figure, is frightening. What is worse is that affection may not always be a mutual thing. I can love you with all my heart but you may hate me with all of yours, without me knowing. That scares me a lot.

Am I in search of THE friend or THE friendship?

Puzzle

15 February 2016

Puzzle

I don't really know. I honestly am not sure of what I expect from this. I mean, it doesn't really matter to me if others find out about this or not. There is no meaning to this being found out.

Is this an attempt to what they call 'self-discovery'? Since, I did and will still continue to write about some of my random thoughts and feelings about life, in general. 

Whatever it is. I hope to find that out. What really started all of this. And what is driving me to continue this. It could be the key to solving the puzzle. My life puzzle.

One thing is for sure though. I hope that this will be able to last forever. To laugh, smile or cry about the things that I thought about and were (or are) concerned about. So that I can see myself grow. So I have something to remember myself by. So that I can find and solve myself. Myself who is unknown to the world. Myself who is unknown to those who know me. Myself who is unknown to me. Myself...

 

Guide

25 January 2016

Guide

Sometimes, I wonder... Is that it? I know I want to see others progress but what about myself? It's as if I am more than willing to guide others towards the light but I, myself, am left with the darkness. 

I feel at peace when people pour everything about themselves to me. All that I have to do is dig through and fix the right pieces back together. And with that, they are already on the way towards the light. This feeds my fiery soul and make me feel more alive than I actually am.

It is different with me though. I can't seem to understand myself. I am like a living paradox. I don't know myself. Others seem to understand and know me better and so, I learn about myself through others. But I find the need to solve myself less important than the need to solve others. Not only for myself to understand them, but for them to understand themselves. It is as if I have given up on being understood and moving towards the light. Instead, I prioritise understanding others and moving them towards the light.

Honestly though. I don't really dread or am afraid of living with the darkness. It's seems not bad of a choice to live with the darkness instead of moving forward towards the light.

Maybe. Just maybe. I am hoping for someone to do the sane for me. To feel the need to understand me. To feel the need to move me towards the light. To feel the need to make me a human. But til then, my soul will be wandering. Guiding the lost ones until I find my own guide.

Mask

5 January 2016
Mask

Looking back at how I spend my time in school since Day 1, I wonder where my courage came from. The mask that I wore to school... The mask that I forced people to see me as. The mask that was never truly me.

Now that things happenned, I am sortof glad that I can at least be myself. I found myself being able to putting away the mask. And for that, I am proud of it.

Not only that, I found myself unknowingly able to let other see into me. At least, in front of some. And for that, I am thankful for them. Genuinely.

I do not have to be so fake anymore just so I feel well-liked. Because honestly speaking, that was not who I am. 

That mask was not me.