1 June 2016
Realization
Realization
I cannot deny the fact that the journey made me realized a lot of things.
For instance, sometimes, I really need to put myself first before I break. Not for others, but for me. I am still not perfect at separating others' feelings and thoughts from those of my own. So, I am still not perfect at shielding myself from the negativity other people may be radiating. I cannot keep on suddenly change just so that I can be okay. Sometimes, I need to learn how to create a space for myself and ignore others. Hard, but it will be easier. Painful, but it will get better. Because I am important and valuable. Because I have to be my own hero.
Which made me realize that I am pretty much closed up. So much more compared to last semester, last year, the past 18 years of my life. I talked less in "I"s. Talked less about what happened to me. Talked less about my thoughts, feelings, emotions. Why? That I dont think I will can answer now. But I hope I will be able to gain the courage and strength to find that out.
That being said, some realization do hurt. Such as realizing the fact that I am not as good as them, in one way or another. Perhaps I am just being possessive but I cant simply ignore the fact that I get too upset for my own good everytime I notice that happen. It gets so much worse when I notice how different, happier, you are with them. You smile more, you laugh more and you interact more. Knowing that I do not have that ability within me, it hurts. I cant deny the fact that it hurts so much. Too much.
The truth always hurt. All that I can wish for is that this is all for the better.
