Journey 4.0: Triggered

22 May 2016
Journey 4.0: Triggered

I never realised that such a thing controlled me. It was only one statement, but I felt so overwhelmed. The statement wasnt even targeted to me, but I broke.

Is it a truly meaningful thing to realise what are my triggers? I will only break more often, way before I reach my breaking point.

I dont even know how much more I can handle. I am nothing, but a mess.

Belief

21 May 2016
Belief

So much emotions and fears that I started to question the purpose of this whole trip. Thought that making this experience a meaningful one will be hard, especially with all that happened.

But my belief stays the same. Because someone told me "You are a girl I see that finds meaning. So if anything happens, ask what you have learnt".

I will not let anything lose their meaning. Nor will I let myself lose my meaning. My smile. My laughter. My happiness.

You

19 May 2016
You

No one usually ask me about how I am feeling or how I am, in general, on a regular basis so this feels very new to me. Plus, it is easier to say "I'm fine". What kind of emotions do people see in me that I can't see?

Talking to people who help me understand myself better really excites me. It is so amazing how someone can help me start thinking about myself and others in more in-depth. Especially that one person who observes and feels. She is a really good person. She is a good friend. Making that effort to undestand her and kinda sync with her energy level was one of the best choices I have ever made. 

Thank you for being you.

Facade

12 May 2016

Facade

Where should I go now? What should I do? What do I want from this?

Strangely, I managed to cope till now. My facade has become a coping mechanism. Perhaps I made this fake facade and hid behind it so that I dont have to talk about myself and all the emotions in me. When I open up, I feel too bare. Too vulnerable. I have no idea how I will bring myself up again if I decide to truly open up and talk about everything.

Am I willing to break the calm for something that could be worse? Is the risk to find peace within myself worse than giving up the so-called "calmness" that is present now? Do I have the courage and strength? I am not sure if I am willing to risk everything to address the issue. Especially since things may get worse than it already is.

I do have some kind of strength and courage. But I do have pain too. And no, I am not a "good" person. "Good" is very subjective.