Surrounded by Idiots II

24 October 2022

A Blue

In the days of coming to terms with being a Red, I realised that I have taken on some Blue traits in an attempt to neutralize some Red tendencies:

1. Organised and put things back where they belong

2. A realist - sees errors and risks

3. "Well, you never asked."

4. Trip is more important than the destination.

5. Read manual thoroughly first before I start

Seems like I'm a Violet at heart!

Surrounded by Idiots

24 October 2022

A Red

I identify as a red. I have always look up to a Red, and my favourite colour is red. I love the fact that I am actually a Red, just that these traits have been suppressed thus far due to the restrictions of society. As a proud (currently) Red, I will embrace my characteristics:

1. Carry the firm belief that I can achieve anything if I just work hard enough

2. Remain task-driven 

3. Won't be fooled into doing something I don't 

Boo yeah. 

A leader must..

21 October 2022

A leader

Today was the day that I felt my identity being shaken to be moulded into what others wanted.

What was supposed to be a discussion about the project revealed what it was masking - a performance review. Even though the conversation felt organic, I could not help but question the genuineness as the objective of the conversation was a facade. It opened my eyes to the hypocritical politics culture. Its an ultimate way to dampen someone's spirit - to face such redundant and emotionally draining confrontation.

I felt betrayed and offended to hear that others express their dissatisfaction to another party instead of directly sharing their feedback constructively. I was dissatisfied not because of the opinion, but more of with the fact that I started to question their intention - gossip? I have learned not to impose my expectations on others as it is a form of projection, but I cannot come to terms with how low a person can go. I was, however, gratified at the fact that I was the topic of interest and they dwelled on the matter so much so that they had to talk about me. Like any person would, I could not help but think about who it could be but I have concluded that that specifics do not matter much. Nonetheless, I think it is important that I inform my comrade and clarify any discrepancies as it was clear that it was a "us" instead of a "me" thing. Especially if they now feel a need to micro-manage given their broken trust in us. 

I took some time to reflect post-conversation (to be fair, I was bombarded and did not have time nor any idea what to prepare for). After talking to my fairy godfriend who I always feel possess the ability to empathise yet rationalise to keep me feeling heard and safe, we have concluded that we have trouble working with adult babies as we prefer to discuss issues directly and immediately due to our task-driven personality. I was told that they attemped to gaslight me. I felt hurt that they did not respect my feelings (and my freedom to express but instead made it seem like I was the problem) even though everyone is entitled to their own feelings. I cannot not feel when I am human. 

It was clear that our definitions of a leader differs. I understand that a leader should eventually bring the team together but that does not come to the expense of not protecting my team and just being there for them. As a leader, my team is most important, if not as important as the higher-ups or other irrelevant people I need did not know I had to please. Eventually, I cannot please everyone but I can make the work process manageable and not a dread by being supportive my team and defending them, if needed to, so that they do not feel alone. Best way forward? Do my style. Call out any violation of boundaries.

Divided we became

23 July 2022

Divided we became

Feeling the need to pen this down as I have a lot on my mind now. I am feeling lots of emotions, but what strikes out the most to me is disappointed.

There is an ongoing conflict that started a few weeks back, involving two individuals who got divided over what I believed was a misinterpretation of message. As a result, both parties have not been in personal contact with one another and their families were affected.

I first approached the subject by asking D to share about what happened (AP was not present during this conversation). He showed strong agenda by trying to pry information from me about what I already know, which could only meant that I heard from AP or his family who were the only ones present at that time. I reiterated that I will not dwell into the shared information as AP was not present and instead, wanted to hear from D directly. He shared feeling hurt due the questions asked by AP "did you ____?" which he felt was an attack (because he did not do it hence, this happened). This was different from what AP's family told me "it would better if you can". The retelling of what happened next was the same - D questioned if AP looked down on D as he did not do the aforementioned things to which AP clarified that he never looked down on D but was trying to provide advice on other actions that could be taken.

When questioned why he felt hurt, D shared that it was a personal attack. I reported that the conversation differs slightly from what I knew. D tried to pry for more information again. I retold the story and brought his attention to the fact that AP clarified what he said and then emphasised that he never looked down on D. D rejected this and insisted that it was a personal attack. I informed D that he has to keep an open heart and listening ear because he has no right to interpret AP's intention on his behalf.

 

He shared about all the good things he has done to AP's family and shared that he felt as if AP did not consider his good deeds before attacking him. I clarified whether he felt that his help towards them were not appreciated to which, he had no refutation.

I noted that he was fixed in his mindset about who was in the wrong and who started the disagreement first. He was still emotional throughout the conversation and often pointed his fingers to me when reenacting his conversation with AP and rationalising his actions/ thoughts. When I responded, he was often looking away towards his phone. Hints of self-righteous and inattentiveness?

He shared about the good things he has done as a person and a member of his family, labelling these deeds as responsibilities and sacrifices. I corrected him that responsibilities and sacrifices are not interchangeable e.g as a child, I have to study (responsibility) which meant having less leisure time (sacrifice). He seemed to be calculative of his good deeds, hinting that even though he shared that it was done out of good will, he viewed them as sacrifices.

An observation that was alarming was the fact that he had difficulty being open and not feeling attacked. Eventhough not explicitly spoken, I felt that he wanted me to choose between D and AP i.e. side with him. However, I reiterated the fact that he despise how separated he and his family is yet his actions and speech following this incident is separating this family as he was in one way or another, abandoning them. I could not tolerate his notion to pit me against a party (them or him). So much manipulating and guilt-tripping. Especially as an older adult, I was disappointed at his immaturity without any consideration of how others feel, especially coming from him. His decision to throw them away and attempt to pit us against each other seemed like his last attempt to garner support for his actions. I could also sense his insecurity when he threatened to "also show his stubborness" (meaning someone else was already showing stubborness - me or them?) by boycotting the gathering. He refused to reconcile unless they apologise, which seemed self centred and egoistic.

And so, divided we became...

Love as Anxiety

7 March 2019

Love as Anxiety

'Love rarely remains pure and selfless. Sometimes when we think of those we love, we worry whether they love us back as much or if they are happy. We may believe that our anxiety is a way of "looking after them" or that it's "in their best interest." But when we try to make them feel differently or get them to change "for their own good," that's not love. That's anxiety. It's the kind of anxiety that makes us want to change things so that we can feel better.' - Daniel Gottlieb, Learning from the Heart

In this journey of self-identity, lets never forget that we are all the same yet different.

Book Review: The House We Grew Up In

Book Review: The House We Grew Up In

17 September 2018

Synopsis

This book explores the dynamics of a family, looking through a lens that makes readers realize the fragility of family, a place where you grow and mature and learn about your own values and beliefs and think about your future. Many issues are raised throughout this book as the characters travel through time to realize that there was so many things that went wrong, only to be addressed many many years later. The change in Lorelei's and Colin's attitude towards one another as their love falters, the rediscovery and re-experiencing of love with someone else, the unspoken jealousy (and possible rivalry, depending on how you see it) between siblings, the guilt everyone carried for years, even if they did not realise. This book is all about the journey of acceptance and love for family regardless of who they are and what they do, how the Bird family moves beyond the secrets and lies that existed.

“...maybe I’ll end up doing something else unconventional. Who knows. And I really hope that if I do, and as long as I’m not hurting anyone or doing anything, like, illegal, that everyone would accept it, you know, just carry on loving me anyway.” - Meg 

Lorelei's Story

In a book that looks into the complicated dynamics of family, whereby so many different lives are intertwined, many will have conflicting opinions about who the main character/ main focus of the story. As much as everyone had a part to play in the Bird family journey towards accepting what have had happened, I choose to believe that Lorelei played a major role in putting the rest of the Bird Family in a situation that called for a confrontation with the past.

As a person, Lorelei is very complex. Throughout the entire book, and as especially as seen through the eyes of others, it is evident that she holds dearly her own values and beliefs, though these parts of her were not explored in more detail (so maybe she is not the main character, who knows). Nonetheless, it is clear that she holds the strong mindset to provide her children the best, with what she experienced during her childhood as the standard - no go. As such, readers will find that she have a very idealistic idea of family, especially in terms of family events during special occasions like Easter. Though this mindset is a constant reminder to be the best mother that she can be, there are hints of her being constantly reminded of her negative childhood experience, an experience that she chooses to run away from and refuses to acknowledge have had happen to her. On the positive note, it did help her become a better mother than her mother was (from her perspective), providing her children with fun activities that she never was able to experience. However, it is evident that she became too fixated on having the perfect Bird family that she failed to see the hints of imperfection, that could have been embraced and accepted. She was oblivious to the imperfection of the Bird family, and soon everything started to go wrong and she starts to wonder - what did she do wrong?

"You couldn't relive your life, skipping the awful parts without losing what made it worthwhile. You had to accept it as a whole -- like the world, or the person you loved."
- Stewart O'Nan, The Odd: A Love Story

Now, everyone says the end is the start of a new beginning. Lorelei's end, her death was the start of the new beginning for the Bird family. 

“I know as well as you do that only the individual has the key to change themselves. It’s buried deep inside each and every one of us and although someone else can help us to find the key, we’re the only ones who can use it.” - Lorelei 

Yes, everyone had a part to play to how the story developed from the start to the end. That is the beauty of this story. The realisation of how the Bird family fell apart, it was a pity that Lorelei realised after so many years. And she kept it to herself. Perhaps it was shame at her failures to see what was going on, to stop and realise how humane the Birds were, to realise that no family is perfect. Perhaps it was her attempt at confronting the situation, but knowing that she did not play a significant part in any of the Bird family lives anymore, she could not. Perhaps, she still wanted to believe that the Bird family was perfect, and she was to be appreciated for her contributions. Perhaps. 

Ending Note

This book is a good reminder that no family is perfect. What is perfect though, is the love and acceptance that we can have for others, regardless of who they were, who they are, and who they will be.

“Have a big enough heart to love unconditionally, and a broad enough mind to embrace the differences that make each of us unique."
- D.B. Harrop

In a world that is imperfect, I can only hope for us to have a big enough heart to embrace who were are and who everyone else is.

A Way to Go On

10 September 2018
A Way to Go On

"She has tried to go on alone. Really tried. She is trying still, in her way, but sometimes one person can hold you up in life, keep you standing, and without that and to hold, you can find yourself free-falling no matter how strong you used to be, no matter how hard you try to remain steady.

But stories end, don't they? You lose the people you love and you have to find a way to go on." - Excerpt from Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah (July 2013)