A leader must..

21 October 2022

A leader

Today was the day that I felt my identity being shaken to be moulded into what others wanted.

What was supposed to be a discussion about the project revealed what it was masking - a performance review. Even though the conversation felt organic, I could not help but question the genuineness as the objective of the conversation was a facade. It opened my eyes to the hypocritical politics culture. Its an ultimate way to dampen someone's spirit - to face such redundant and emotionally draining confrontation.

I felt betrayed and offended to hear that others express their dissatisfaction to another party instead of directly sharing their feedback constructively. I was dissatisfied not because of the opinion, but more of with the fact that I started to question their intention - gossip? I have learned not to impose my expectations on others as it is a form of projection, but I cannot come to terms with how low a person can go. I was, however, gratified at the fact that I was the topic of interest and they dwelled on the matter so much so that they had to talk about me. Like any person would, I could not help but think about who it could be but I have concluded that that specifics do not matter much. Nonetheless, I think it is important that I inform my comrade and clarify any discrepancies as it was clear that it was a "us" instead of a "me" thing. Especially if they now feel a need to micro-manage given their broken trust in us. 

I took some time to reflect post-conversation (to be fair, I was bombarded and did not have time nor any idea what to prepare for). After talking to my fairy godfriend who I always feel possess the ability to empathise yet rationalise to keep me feeling heard and safe, we have concluded that we have trouble working with adult babies as we prefer to discuss issues directly and immediately due to our task-driven personality. I was told that they attemped to gaslight me. I felt hurt that they did not respect my feelings (and my freedom to express but instead made it seem like I was the problem) even though everyone is entitled to their own feelings. I cannot not feel when I am human. 

It was clear that our definitions of a leader differs. I understand that a leader should eventually bring the team together but that does not come to the expense of not protecting my team and just being there for them. As a leader, my team is most important, if not as important as the higher-ups or other irrelevant people I need did not know I had to please. Eventually, I cannot please everyone but I can make the work process manageable and not a dread by being supportive my team and defending them, if needed to, so that they do not feel alone. Best way forward? Do my style. Call out any violation of boundaries.