23 July 2022
Divided we became
There is an ongoing conflict that started a few weeks back, involving two individuals who got divided over what I believed was a misinterpretation of message. As a result, both parties have not been in personal contact with one another and their families were affected.
I first approached the subject by asking D to share about what happened (AP was not present during this conversation). He showed strong agenda by trying to pry information from me about what I already know, which could only meant that I heard from AP or his family who were the only ones present at that time. I reiterated that I will not dwell into the shared information as AP was not present and instead, wanted to hear from D directly. He shared feeling hurt due the questions asked by AP "did you ____?" which he felt was an attack (because he did not do it hence, this happened). This was different from what AP's family told me "it would better if you can". The retelling of what happened next was the same - D questioned if AP looked down on D as he did not do the aforementioned things to which AP clarified that he never looked down on D but was trying to provide advice on other actions that could be taken.
When questioned why he felt hurt, D shared that it was a personal attack. I reported that the conversation differs slightly from what I knew. D tried to pry for more information again. I retold the story and brought his attention to the fact that AP clarified what he said and then emphasised that he never looked down on D. D rejected this and insisted that it was a personal attack. I informed D that he has to keep an open heart and listening ear because he has no right to interpret AP's intention on his behalf.
He shared about all the good things he has done to AP's family and shared that he felt as if AP did not consider his good deeds before attacking him. I clarified whether he felt that his help towards them were not appreciated to which, he had no refutation.
I noted that he was fixed in his mindset about who was in the wrong and who started the disagreement first. He was still emotional throughout the conversation and often pointed his fingers to me when reenacting his conversation with AP and rationalising his actions/ thoughts. When I responded, he was often looking away towards his phone. Hints of self-righteous and inattentiveness?
He shared about the good things he has done as a person and a member of his family, labelling these deeds as responsibilities and sacrifices. I corrected him that responsibilities and sacrifices are not interchangeable e.g as a child, I have to study (responsibility) which meant having less leisure time (sacrifice). He seemed to be calculative of his good deeds, hinting that even though he shared that it was done out of good will, he viewed them as sacrifices.
An observation that was alarming was the fact that he had difficulty being open and not feeling attacked. Eventhough not explicitly spoken, I felt that he wanted me to choose between D and AP i.e. side with him. However, I reiterated the fact that he despise how separated he and his family is yet his actions and speech following this incident is separating this family as he was in one way or another, abandoning them. I could not tolerate his notion to pit me against a party (them or him). So much manipulating and guilt-tripping. Especially as an older adult, I was disappointed at his immaturity without any consideration of how others feel, especially coming from him. His decision to throw them away and attempt to pit us against each other seemed like his last attempt to garner support for his actions. I could also sense his insecurity when he threatened to "also show his stubborness" (meaning someone else was already showing stubborness - me or them?) by boycotting the gathering. He refused to reconcile unless they apologise, which seemed self centred and egoistic.
And so, divided we became...
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