Little Princess

1 April 2016
Little Princess

So many sorries to say.
So many stories to write.
So many storms to survive.

I will say to you.
I will write for you.
I will survive with you.

So please...

Come back, my little princess.

I miss you.

Tomorrow will be yours. Like how it should be.
Tomorrow will be special. Like how it should be.

So please...

Be back for tomorrow, my little princess.

I miss you.

Reincarnation (JL)

9 March 2016
Reincarnation (JL)

With a newly found desire to be not afraid or ashamed of who I was... I... I will start anew.

 I hope to stop the tears, and the pain
Even in bright sunlight that made me shine
I'm gonna start anew while hidden in the quiet shadow

Even now, I can not feel the warmth
Even the way to smile seems long-forgotten
I'm gonna start anew while hidden in the serene shadow

cr: http://thecherrya.blogspot.sg/2015/11/k-lyric-jl-reincarnation-cheo-yong-2.html

Friends

24 February 2016
Friends

"Friends". Such ambiguity compacted into just this one word.

Somehow, I feel like your words about this term hold some truth. Expectations changes and what we used to consider as qualities associated with "friends" then may not be the same today. Probably due to our changing needs. Or simply because humans are complex and largely unpredictable creatures.

At the moment, I crave for soul connnection. This might have been an innate craving but I suppressed it for so long I mistook it as... Non-existent. But now, it's inevitable. I need to connect, to form bonds to the deepest soul level possible, something that will never disapper even when we do. Something that is hard to achieve but worth hoping for...

But working towards such goals involves some sort of risk-taking. Am I really willing to do so? Display of affection is very hard for me. In fact, just the mere thought of possibly becoming dependent on someone else, a perishable figure, is frightening. What is worse is that affection may not always be a mutual thing. I can love you with all my heart but you may hate me with all of yours, without me knowing. That scares me a lot.

Am I in search of THE friend or THE friendship?

Puzzle

15 February 2016

Puzzle

I don't really know. I honestly am not sure of what I expect from this. I mean, it doesn't really matter to me if others find out about this or not. There is no meaning to this being found out.

Is this an attempt to what they call 'self-discovery'? Since, I did and will still continue to write about some of my random thoughts and feelings about life, in general. 

Whatever it is. I hope to find that out. What really started all of this. And what is driving me to continue this. It could be the key to solving the puzzle. My life puzzle.

One thing is for sure though. I hope that this will be able to last forever. To laugh, smile or cry about the things that I thought about and were (or are) concerned about. So that I can see myself grow. So I have something to remember myself by. So that I can find and solve myself. Myself who is unknown to the world. Myself who is unknown to those who know me. Myself who is unknown to me. Myself...

 

Guide

25 January 2016

Guide

Sometimes, I wonder... Is that it? I know I want to see others progress but what about myself? It's as if I am more than willing to guide others towards the light but I, myself, am left with the darkness. 

I feel at peace when people pour everything about themselves to me. All that I have to do is dig through and fix the right pieces back together. And with that, they are already on the way towards the light. This feeds my fiery soul and make me feel more alive than I actually am.

It is different with me though. I can't seem to understand myself. I am like a living paradox. I don't know myself. Others seem to understand and know me better and so, I learn about myself through others. But I find the need to solve myself less important than the need to solve others. Not only for myself to understand them, but for them to understand themselves. It is as if I have given up on being understood and moving towards the light. Instead, I prioritise understanding others and moving them towards the light.

Honestly though. I don't really dread or am afraid of living with the darkness. It's seems not bad of a choice to live with the darkness instead of moving forward towards the light.

Maybe. Just maybe. I am hoping for someone to do the sane for me. To feel the need to understand me. To feel the need to move me towards the light. To feel the need to make me a human. But til then, my soul will be wandering. Guiding the lost ones until I find my own guide.

Mask

5 January 2016
Mask

Looking back at how I spend my time in school since Day 1, I wonder where my courage came from. The mask that I wore to school... The mask that I forced people to see me as. The mask that was never truly me.

Now that things happenned, I am sortof glad that I can at least be myself. I found myself being able to putting away the mask. And for that, I am proud of it.

Not only that, I found myself unknowingly able to let other see into me. At least, in front of some. And for that, I am thankful for them. Genuinely.

I do not have to be so fake anymore just so I feel well-liked. Because honestly speaking, that was not who I am. 

That mask was not me.

Journey 3.0

16 December 2015
Journey 3.0

At times like this, I wonder what we mean to each other. Friends? Close friends? Best friends? I don't know. I feel like how I view us is different from how you view us.

Sometimes, I think you know. But sometimes, I think you don't. This is so ambigious that it's killing me on the inside. Which brings me to the next question: Why? Why do I care so much about how you view us?

My only conclusion is that walks are supposed to be nice but it is not really. I don't want to think about anything but I always end up thinking about that one thing. Just one. I do feel more relaxed and all but then, I will realise that things are still the same and I will start thinking about it again :((

I am sad. So sad. So damn sad. 

I don't know. What was supposed to be the plan to 'cut all ties and go with the flow', kinda backfired. Or maybe i just gave up. Haha. I think I did. Or maybe I chose to delude myself to think that things are different or will be different. 

Delusional.