Change

22 November 2016
Change

Even after talking about it to many others, it has never truly occurred to me how much this have changed me. I guess, part of me has been well-aware of the changes but I never really felt the need to come to terms with how much I am letting this affect me. Ultimately, I will have to do so now... I shall.

Looking back, I realised that deep down, I have always wanted such a change between us to happen. But it never occured to me that I was the obstacle to the change I wanted to get. It seemed as if I have always rationalized my actions towards you to the situations that we were in, without realizing just how it has all been just ME.

Back then, I did not really know if it was a good choice to make. Even though I thought and KNEW that it was the best option, it hurt so bad that I honestly had no thought of about really making the change. Because really, no matter how much I tell myself, this means so much to me. And yet again, it was just ME.

With that being said, I really hope that you will be a part of the past that I will not hang on for too long. Because it has always been ME in what was supposed to be a two-way bond. And just like what they all say... I dont deserve to be treated this way nor feel this way anymore.  

No.

9 July 2016
No.

And I thought I was okay.

It was just the calm before the storm.

Realization

1 June 2016
Realization

I cannot deny the fact that the journey made me realized a lot of things.

For instance, sometimes, I really need to put myself first before I break. Not for others, but for me. I am still not perfect at separating others' feelings and thoughts from those of my own. So, I am still not perfect at shielding myself from the negativity other people may be radiating. I cannot keep on suddenly change just so that I can be okay. Sometimes, I need to learn how to create a space for myself and ignore others. Hard, but it will be easier. Painful, but it will get better. Because I am important and valuable. Because I have to be my own hero.

Which made me realize that I am pretty much closed up. So much more compared to last semester, last year, the past 18 years of my life. I talked less in "I"s. Talked less about what happened to me. Talked less about my thoughts, feelings, emotions. Why? That I dont think I will can answer now. But I hope I will be able to gain the courage and strength to find that out.

That being said, some realization do hurt. Such as realizing the fact that I am not as good as them, in one way or another. Perhaps I am just being possessive but I cant simply ignore the fact that I get too upset for my own good everytime I notice that happen. It gets so much worse when I notice how different, happier, you are with them. You smile more, you laugh more and you interact more. Knowing that I do not have that ability within me, it hurts. I cant deny the fact that it hurts so much. Too much.

The truth always hurt. All that I can wish for is that this is all for the better.

Journey 4.0: Triggered

22 May 2016
Journey 4.0: Triggered

I never realised that such a thing controlled me. It was only one statement, but I felt so overwhelmed. The statement wasnt even targeted to me, but I broke.

Is it a truly meaningful thing to realise what are my triggers? I will only break more often, way before I reach my breaking point.

I dont even know how much more I can handle. I am nothing, but a mess.

Belief

21 May 2016
Belief

So much emotions and fears that I started to question the purpose of this whole trip. Thought that making this experience a meaningful one will be hard, especially with all that happened.

But my belief stays the same. Because someone told me "You are a girl I see that finds meaning. So if anything happens, ask what you have learnt".

I will not let anything lose their meaning. Nor will I let myself lose my meaning. My smile. My laughter. My happiness.

You

19 May 2016
You

No one usually ask me about how I am feeling or how I am, in general, on a regular basis so this feels very new to me. Plus, it is easier to say "I'm fine". What kind of emotions do people see in me that I can't see?

Talking to people who help me understand myself better really excites me. It is so amazing how someone can help me start thinking about myself and others in more in-depth. Especially that one person who observes and feels. She is a really good person. She is a good friend. Making that effort to undestand her and kinda sync with her energy level was one of the best choices I have ever made. 

Thank you for being you.

Facade

12 May 2016

Facade

Where should I go now? What should I do? What do I want from this?

Strangely, I managed to cope till now. My facade has become a coping mechanism. Perhaps I made this fake facade and hid behind it so that I dont have to talk about myself and all the emotions in me. When I open up, I feel too bare. Too vulnerable. I have no idea how I will bring myself up again if I decide to truly open up and talk about everything.

Am I willing to break the calm for something that could be worse? Is the risk to find peace within myself worse than giving up the so-called "calmness" that is present now? Do I have the courage and strength? I am not sure if I am willing to risk everything to address the issue. Especially since things may get worse than it already is.

I do have some kind of strength and courage. But I do have pain too. And no, I am not a "good" person. "Good" is very subjective.