Realization

1 June 2016
Realization

I cannot deny the fact that the journey made me realized a lot of things.

For instance, sometimes, I really need to put myself first before I break. Not for others, but for me. I am still not perfect at separating others' feelings and thoughts from those of my own. So, I am still not perfect at shielding myself from the negativity other people may be radiating. I cannot keep on suddenly change just so that I can be okay. Sometimes, I need to learn how to create a space for myself and ignore others. Hard, but it will be easier. Painful, but it will get better. Because I am important and valuable. Because I have to be my own hero.

Which made me realize that I am pretty much closed up. So much more compared to last semester, last year, the past 18 years of my life. I talked less in "I"s. Talked less about what happened to me. Talked less about my thoughts, feelings, emotions. Why? That I dont think I will can answer now. But I hope I will be able to gain the courage and strength to find that out.

That being said, some realization do hurt. Such as realizing the fact that I am not as good as them, in one way or another. Perhaps I am just being possessive but I cant simply ignore the fact that I get too upset for my own good everytime I notice that happen. It gets so much worse when I notice how different, happier, you are with them. You smile more, you laugh more and you interact more. Knowing that I do not have that ability within me, it hurts. I cant deny the fact that it hurts so much. Too much.

The truth always hurt. All that I can wish for is that this is all for the better.

Journey 4.0: Triggered

22 May 2016
Journey 4.0: Triggered

I never realised that such a thing controlled me. It was only one statement, but I felt so overwhelmed. The statement wasnt even targeted to me, but I broke.

Is it a truly meaningful thing to realise what are my triggers? I will only break more often, way before I reach my breaking point.

I dont even know how much more I can handle. I am nothing, but a mess.

Belief

21 May 2016
Belief

So much emotions and fears that I started to question the purpose of this whole trip. Thought that making this experience a meaningful one will be hard, especially with all that happened.

But my belief stays the same. Because someone told me "You are a girl I see that finds meaning. So if anything happens, ask what you have learnt".

I will not let anything lose their meaning. Nor will I let myself lose my meaning. My smile. My laughter. My happiness.

You

19 May 2016
You

No one usually ask me about how I am feeling or how I am, in general, on a regular basis so this feels very new to me. Plus, it is easier to say "I'm fine". What kind of emotions do people see in me that I can't see?

Talking to people who help me understand myself better really excites me. It is so amazing how someone can help me start thinking about myself and others in more in-depth. Especially that one person who observes and feels. She is a really good person. She is a good friend. Making that effort to undestand her and kinda sync with her energy level was one of the best choices I have ever made. 

Thank you for being you.

Facade

12 May 2016

Facade

Where should I go now? What should I do? What do I want from this?

Strangely, I managed to cope till now. My facade has become a coping mechanism. Perhaps I made this fake facade and hid behind it so that I dont have to talk about myself and all the emotions in me. When I open up, I feel too bare. Too vulnerable. I have no idea how I will bring myself up again if I decide to truly open up and talk about everything.

Am I willing to break the calm for something that could be worse? Is the risk to find peace within myself worse than giving up the so-called "calmness" that is present now? Do I have the courage and strength? I am not sure if I am willing to risk everything to address the issue. Especially since things may get worse than it already is.

I do have some kind of strength and courage. But I do have pain too. And no, I am not a "good" person. "Good" is very subjective.

Eighteen

18 April 2016

Eighteen

Today marks a new chapter for me. As such, I decided to write about this day yearly to remind myself of all the people, those who I have known for long and for a while only, who have touched my heart.

To start things off, I was pleasantly surprised when the whole lot of wolves celebrated this day. Not to mention, the wolf pups too. The strong sense of togetherness that I felt when I was with them was like no other. I am so thankful for you guys. Special shoutout to those who personally wished me and hugged/ high fived etc me! Physical contact is one of my top few favourite language of love so YAY THANKS

Brother Bird. What a love-hate relationship we have. Actually, it's not hate but random irritated moments. Nonetheless, I got to say that you are one of few I can chill with in class. Even though our differences are drastic at times, we are kinda chill about it so we cool. Plus, I LOVE YOUR PRESENT much love 

My angel buddy. You are probably the most precious thing that happened to me in 2016 so far. We only met and you treat me so well. I am genuinely greatful being paured with you and really, thank you so so much for everything that have happened and more to come. Hopefully, we will meet up often even after we get back to our normal lives. Thank you so much for your present! I will use it well and spend a lot heh

((Of course wishes from the family have a special place in my heart. Especially, the little one ))

Today, I am filled with warmth and love and blessings. I am happy for I am yet alive on this day. Thank you Allah for letting me enjoy this day yet again. Amin.

OES

3 April 2016
OES

Self-expression.

One of the important concepts of being a social being that I have yet to achieve.

Others do not know how much I look up to them. They do not know how much I struggle, trying to articulate my thoughts and feelings. I cannot seem to put any depth into my words. My words were taken for granted... I ignored my words. I neglected my thoughts and feelings. I rejected myself.

I am hoping that posting this will keep on reminding me about my goal to work towards self-expression. With high hopes, Operation Eye Storm shall officially commence.

Let's keep on striving! I can do this! I will achieve this!