Surrounded by Idiots II

24 October 2022

A Blue

In the days of coming to terms with being a Red, I realised that I have taken on some Blue traits in an attempt to neutralize some Red tendencies:

1. Organised and put things back where they belong

2. A realist - sees errors and risks

3. "Well, you never asked."

4. Trip is more important than the destination.

5. Read manual thoroughly first before I start

Seems like I'm a Violet at heart!

Surrounded by Idiots

24 October 2022

A Red

I identify as a red. I have always look up to a Red, and my favourite colour is red. I love the fact that I am actually a Red, just that these traits have been suppressed thus far due to the restrictions of society. As a proud (currently) Red, I will embrace my characteristics:

1. Carry the firm belief that I can achieve anything if I just work hard enough

2. Remain task-driven 

3. Won't be fooled into doing something I don't 

Boo yeah. 

A leader must..

21 October 2022

A leader

Today was the day that I felt my identity being shaken to be moulded into what others wanted.

What was supposed to be a discussion about the project revealed what it was masking - a performance review. Even though the conversation felt organic, I could not help but question the genuineness as the objective of the conversation was a facade. It opened my eyes to the hypocritical politics culture. Its an ultimate way to dampen someone's spirit - to face such redundant and emotionally draining confrontation.

I felt betrayed and offended to hear that others express their dissatisfaction to another party instead of directly sharing their feedback constructively. I was dissatisfied not because of the opinion, but more of with the fact that I started to question their intention - gossip? I have learned not to impose my expectations on others as it is a form of projection, but I cannot come to terms with how low a person can go. I was, however, gratified at the fact that I was the topic of interest and they dwelled on the matter so much so that they had to talk about me. Like any person would, I could not help but think about who it could be but I have concluded that that specifics do not matter much. Nonetheless, I think it is important that I inform my comrade and clarify any discrepancies as it was clear that it was a "us" instead of a "me" thing. Especially if they now feel a need to micro-manage given their broken trust in us. 

I took some time to reflect post-conversation (to be fair, I was bombarded and did not have time nor any idea what to prepare for). After talking to my fairy godfriend who I always feel possess the ability to empathise yet rationalise to keep me feeling heard and safe, we have concluded that we have trouble working with adult babies as we prefer to discuss issues directly and immediately due to our task-driven personality. I was told that they attemped to gaslight me. I felt hurt that they did not respect my feelings (and my freedom to express but instead made it seem like I was the problem) even though everyone is entitled to their own feelings. I cannot not feel when I am human. 

It was clear that our definitions of a leader differs. I understand that a leader should eventually bring the team together but that does not come to the expense of not protecting my team and just being there for them. As a leader, my team is most important, if not as important as the higher-ups or other irrelevant people I need did not know I had to please. Eventually, I cannot please everyone but I can make the work process manageable and not a dread by being supportive my team and defending them, if needed to, so that they do not feel alone. Best way forward? Do my style. Call out any violation of boundaries.

Divided we became

23 July 2022

Divided we became

Feeling the need to pen this down as I have a lot on my mind now. I am feeling lots of emotions, but what strikes out the most to me is disappointed.

There is an ongoing conflict that started a few weeks back, involving two individuals who got divided over what I believed was a misinterpretation of message. As a result, both parties have not been in personal contact with one another and their families were affected.

I first approached the subject by asking D to share about what happened (AP was not present during this conversation). He showed strong agenda by trying to pry information from me about what I already know, which could only meant that I heard from AP or his family who were the only ones present at that time. I reiterated that I will not dwell into the shared information as AP was not present and instead, wanted to hear from D directly. He shared feeling hurt due the questions asked by AP "did you ____?" which he felt was an attack (because he did not do it hence, this happened). This was different from what AP's family told me "it would better if you can". The retelling of what happened next was the same - D questioned if AP looked down on D as he did not do the aforementioned things to which AP clarified that he never looked down on D but was trying to provide advice on other actions that could be taken.

When questioned why he felt hurt, D shared that it was a personal attack. I reported that the conversation differs slightly from what I knew. D tried to pry for more information again. I retold the story and brought his attention to the fact that AP clarified what he said and then emphasised that he never looked down on D. D rejected this and insisted that it was a personal attack. I informed D that he has to keep an open heart and listening ear because he has no right to interpret AP's intention on his behalf.

 

He shared about all the good things he has done to AP's family and shared that he felt as if AP did not consider his good deeds before attacking him. I clarified whether he felt that his help towards them were not appreciated to which, he had no refutation.

I noted that he was fixed in his mindset about who was in the wrong and who started the disagreement first. He was still emotional throughout the conversation and often pointed his fingers to me when reenacting his conversation with AP and rationalising his actions/ thoughts. When I responded, he was often looking away towards his phone. Hints of self-righteous and inattentiveness?

He shared about the good things he has done as a person and a member of his family, labelling these deeds as responsibilities and sacrifices. I corrected him that responsibilities and sacrifices are not interchangeable e.g as a child, I have to study (responsibility) which meant having less leisure time (sacrifice). He seemed to be calculative of his good deeds, hinting that even though he shared that it was done out of good will, he viewed them as sacrifices.

An observation that was alarming was the fact that he had difficulty being open and not feeling attacked. Eventhough not explicitly spoken, I felt that he wanted me to choose between D and AP i.e. side with him. However, I reiterated the fact that he despise how separated he and his family is yet his actions and speech following this incident is separating this family as he was in one way or another, abandoning them. I could not tolerate his notion to pit me against a party (them or him). So much manipulating and guilt-tripping. Especially as an older adult, I was disappointed at his immaturity without any consideration of how others feel, especially coming from him. His decision to throw them away and attempt to pit us against each other seemed like his last attempt to garner support for his actions. I could also sense his insecurity when he threatened to "also show his stubborness" (meaning someone else was already showing stubborness - me or them?) by boycotting the gathering. He refused to reconcile unless they apologise, which seemed self centred and egoistic.

And so, divided we became...

Love as Anxiety

7 March 2019

Love as Anxiety

'Love rarely remains pure and selfless. Sometimes when we think of those we love, we worry whether they love us back as much or if they are happy. We may believe that our anxiety is a way of "looking after them" or that it's "in their best interest." But when we try to make them feel differently or get them to change "for their own good," that's not love. That's anxiety. It's the kind of anxiety that makes us want to change things so that we can feel better.' - Daniel Gottlieb, Learning from the Heart

In this journey of self-identity, lets never forget that we are all the same yet different.

Book Review: The House We Grew Up In

Book Review: The House We Grew Up In

17 September 2018

Synopsis

This book explores the dynamics of a family, looking through a lens that makes readers realize the fragility of family, a place where you grow and mature and learn about your own values and beliefs and think about your future. Many issues are raised throughout this book as the characters travel through time to realize that there was so many things that went wrong, only to be addressed many many years later. The change in Lorelei's and Colin's attitude towards one another as their love falters, the rediscovery and re-experiencing of love with someone else, the unspoken jealousy (and possible rivalry, depending on how you see it) between siblings, the guilt everyone carried for years, even if they did not realise. This book is all about the journey of acceptance and love for family regardless of who they are and what they do, how the Bird family moves beyond the secrets and lies that existed.

“...maybe I’ll end up doing something else unconventional. Who knows. And I really hope that if I do, and as long as I’m not hurting anyone or doing anything, like, illegal, that everyone would accept it, you know, just carry on loving me anyway.” - Meg 

Lorelei's Story

In a book that looks into the complicated dynamics of family, whereby so many different lives are intertwined, many will have conflicting opinions about who the main character/ main focus of the story. As much as everyone had a part to play in the Bird family journey towards accepting what have had happened, I choose to believe that Lorelei played a major role in putting the rest of the Bird Family in a situation that called for a confrontation with the past.

As a person, Lorelei is very complex. Throughout the entire book, and as especially as seen through the eyes of others, it is evident that she holds dearly her own values and beliefs, though these parts of her were not explored in more detail (so maybe she is not the main character, who knows). Nonetheless, it is clear that she holds the strong mindset to provide her children the best, with what she experienced during her childhood as the standard - no go. As such, readers will find that she have a very idealistic idea of family, especially in terms of family events during special occasions like Easter. Though this mindset is a constant reminder to be the best mother that she can be, there are hints of her being constantly reminded of her negative childhood experience, an experience that she chooses to run away from and refuses to acknowledge have had happen to her. On the positive note, it did help her become a better mother than her mother was (from her perspective), providing her children with fun activities that she never was able to experience. However, it is evident that she became too fixated on having the perfect Bird family that she failed to see the hints of imperfection, that could have been embraced and accepted. She was oblivious to the imperfection of the Bird family, and soon everything started to go wrong and she starts to wonder - what did she do wrong?

"You couldn't relive your life, skipping the awful parts without losing what made it worthwhile. You had to accept it as a whole -- like the world, or the person you loved."
- Stewart O'Nan, The Odd: A Love Story

Now, everyone says the end is the start of a new beginning. Lorelei's end, her death was the start of the new beginning for the Bird family. 

“I know as well as you do that only the individual has the key to change themselves. It’s buried deep inside each and every one of us and although someone else can help us to find the key, we’re the only ones who can use it.” - Lorelei 

Yes, everyone had a part to play to how the story developed from the start to the end. That is the beauty of this story. The realisation of how the Bird family fell apart, it was a pity that Lorelei realised after so many years. And she kept it to herself. Perhaps it was shame at her failures to see what was going on, to stop and realise how humane the Birds were, to realise that no family is perfect. Perhaps it was her attempt at confronting the situation, but knowing that she did not play a significant part in any of the Bird family lives anymore, she could not. Perhaps, she still wanted to believe that the Bird family was perfect, and she was to be appreciated for her contributions. Perhaps. 

Ending Note

This book is a good reminder that no family is perfect. What is perfect though, is the love and acceptance that we can have for others, regardless of who they were, who they are, and who they will be.

“Have a big enough heart to love unconditionally, and a broad enough mind to embrace the differences that make each of us unique."
- D.B. Harrop

In a world that is imperfect, I can only hope for us to have a big enough heart to embrace who were are and who everyone else is.

A Way to Go On

10 September 2018
A Way to Go On

"She has tried to go on alone. Really tried. She is trying still, in her way, but sometimes one person can hold you up in life, keep you standing, and without that and to hold, you can find yourself free-falling no matter how strong you used to be, no matter how hard you try to remain steady.

But stories end, don't they? You lose the people you love and you have to find a way to go on." - Excerpt from Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah (July 2013)

Trust

4 March 2018
Trust

"Fear comes from the distrust of yourself and the anxiety about the unknown. If you don't want the fear to take over you, you must trust yourself. Trust yourself and focus only on the target." - Yoo Ah-in as Han Se-Joo in Chicago Typewriter (2017)

Balance

5 February 2018

Balance

It will take lifelong hardwork and effort to find the balance, to be able to meet expectations and yet, not lose ourselves.

Joy, Sadness

19 January 2018
Joy, Sadness

What value would joy have if there isnt sadness?

Gone

25 December 2017

Gone

Slowly, will and hope diminish. Amongst the chaos, love and light are almost gone.

During these dark times, my heart wavers again. Just like it used to, even when there is light.

There is nothing but darkness pulsing in the core of my empty soul.

Life is big and meaningful. But compared to it, we choose to live lives that are so small and meaningless. 

"We are the choice that we make", they say. You are the choice that you made. 

Dream

24 December 2017
Dream

Sometimes, what we need is just a dream. A dream bigger than what we believe we can do. Just to push the limits of what we were told we could not do.

Forget

10 October 2017
Forget

"This is why I forgive, but I dont forget. When you forget someone, the forgiveness doesnt mean anything anymore. So, lets say she left. Fine. You forgive her for that. Good. But you'll never, ever forget her." - Excerpt from I Hunt Killers by Barry Lyga (April 2012)

Pick Me Up

2 October 2017
Pick Us Up

"You cant figure yourself out. You pretend to know things even when you didnt, and figure things out on your own. Wouldnt it be wonderful if someone passing by stops for a while to reach in and pick us up?" - Excerpt from Pick Me Up by Kelvin Lim Kian Meng (May 2008)

Reason to Live

12 August 2017
Reason to Live

"I still dont know the reason why I should live. No one can actually know it. It's not that a person lives because he knows the reason to do so.

Life is filled with limitless possibilities you cannot label. Its with endless twists and turns, with countless moments of joy and sadness. That's how everyone lives. Sometimes you curl up, and sometimes you reach out. Sometimes you wish to remain a lonely island, but you also wait for loud crashes of waves. It feels imperfect.

You just got the wrong answer, then left this world. You just turned off the most beautiful piece of music at it's intro. You walked past a pretty flower in the rain. Your life that you were so certain that it was only with darkness, it was just your room that you hadn't flickered the light switch on. It could've changed. It could've been better. That's why you were wrong.

So I decided that I'll never get tired of it. Even if its just this world, I wont give up."  - Jang Dong-Yoon as Han Ji-Hoon in Solomon's Perjury (2016)

Mindset

5 August 2017
Mindset

From the "why are things like this" to "how can it change". It's the small changes in your mindset that keeps you going in life.

Adult

30 June 2017

Adult

Having been surrounded by so much innocence and purity, I unconciously turned back time in my mind. Because I forgot who I was before I became who I am now. 

And so, I immersed myself into my childhood days. Feeling the things that I felt. Doing the things that I did. Talking about the things that I talked about. Laughing. Smiling. Having fun. Just being alive.

But I was being alive for too long. 

I forgot what being an adult meant. It meant responsibilties. It meant restrictions. It meant giving up. It meant not living. 

I wanted to be someone they can rely on. 

Now, inside, I am confused. The road is dark and I do not know the way. 

Now, my internal compass points nowhere. I am broken, and lost. 

Journey 5.0: Fear

11 February 2017
Journey 5.0: Fear

Just a moment of realization that I never really faced my fears before. Instead, I always pretended that all is fine even when deep inside, I am shaking in fear.

Would exposing myself to my inner demons make me feel more at ease? To truly understand that it's okay even if I'm fearful. 

 

It's okay, I can cry. 

It's okay, even if I can't cry.

Journey 6.0: Prison

27 February 2017
fastforward to Journey 6.0: Prison

Burdened by the sentence,
A prison of expectations.



I stand alone.

2016

31 December 2016
2016

As 2016 comes to an end, it's time to look back and reflect on how much I have grown the past year. Time past by oh so fast and want to remind myself that I will find no reason to look back into the past when there are so much more to look forward to in the present and future! :)

If I were to think about what made me feel really good in 2016, I would say self-discovery. Ignorance towards my true self, or more like resistance, have been something I lived with for a long time. Self-discovery can mean so many things, from finding my reason to live and revealing whatever and whoever shaped me to who I am now. It is all about realizing and coming to terms with my beliefs and values and living by them. No doubt, this journey that I have embarked on with much anticipation took on a huge toll on me. So much fear, confusion, reluctance, doubt. The realizations that followed were what made those moments worth it. The changes I made to my life so that I love myself for who I am and get what I deserve will be something I will be very grateful for til the moment I die. My journey since then has seen me cut people out of my life. I never realized how draining and painful one-sided relationships could be. The changes that I have made changed my outlook of my life and I am now more confident to start to follow my true passion and purpose because I am not defined by others. Instead, I started to look within for answers. Pretty hard to do, because I have to dig all the way downnnnnnn to understand what I really want (and that is how I understood that I do not know myself well). I have had may set backs along the way and am sure that there will be more to come. Nonetheless, this journey has been worth it and I will continue on.

I became more aware of my feelings and am understanding myself better. What I know for sure is that I have been very hard on myself. I have not been truthful with myself about what I want. I have had unrealistic expectations about myself, setting myself up for disappointment. I have been so fixated on becoming someone I am not. Eventually, it became too exhausting for me. No matter where I go or who I went to, it did not help because I felt so victimised by all that has happened. Now that I started working on accepting the facts and acknowledging my feelings, I am not suppressing the feelings I have anymore. When I come to terms with it, there comes a sense of freedom like no other. Not physically nor mentally, but just that feeling of being content with myself. I learnt to be okay with it and not allow it to control me or define who I am. But facing these internal insecurities released so much fear in me. But that fear... I am willing to face. I held myself back in so many ways that I do not want to continue letting it have a strangle hold on my life. I want to feel the freedom within myself.

No doubt, 2016 have been rough, but it made me realised a lot of things and for that, I am more than grateful. It has been a while since I felt so free. No more pain. No more hurt(ing). No more harming. Just me and freedom.

Because I have decided to life my life for myself. I will focus on myself and trust my instincts.

"Some of the hardship we experience is caused by the strain of resisting the truth, Embrace the truth to relieve the pressure."